I'm Going But I Need A Little Time

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 22:54:38 GMT

That's it, I'm done. I quit life in general. I'm a huge fuckup and all I seem to do is hurt people. It's not like I mean to, it just always seems to work out that way. I have no idea why; I mean, it seems so odd to me that I could be capable of hurting anyone. Yet somehow, that's what ends up happening. Ugh, I dunno. Like I said before, I think I just wasn't cut out for life in general. I'm no good at it and it's totally wasted on me. I'm sure there were thousands of other potential people who would have done much better things with it than I have or am likely to do. Bah, life is no good for me. I just. Can't. Do it.

Mon, 15 Jan 2007 03:46:50 GMT

I've recently come to a conclusion. Well, maybe not a conclusion exactly; more like a resolution. It's a bit late for it to be a New Year's resolution, but I've never really been much of a one for things like that anyway. But the decision I've come to is that I am going to try my utmost NOT to be myself anymore. I've tried it, and myself sucks. I'm not sure exactly what the problem is, but hopefully I can figure it out and maybe avoid having the same old things go wrong time after time. I'm also going to do my best to stop bothering other people with this stuff. No one really cares, and I don't like to be a bother, though I'm sure I am one most of the time. I'll write about it here, since I'm the only one who ever sees this, but I'll try my utmost to stop talking about it to others.

So there's my plan. It's got to be either that or close myself off from everyone again, because I can't handle this anymore. The worst part is that I couldn't even say there's anything in particular that's making things so difficult; I just feel generally shitty a lot of the time. I don't think I was an ideal candidate for life in general; it should have been given to someone who could have done something better with it and lived it properly. I don't think I even know how to live properly. It's all too much, I can't deal with it. For a while I thought I could, but now I think maybe I was wrong. I don't really have much of a choice, though, so I'll continue to muddle through and hope for the best.

Thu, 11 Jan 2007 02:20:08 GMT

There are some things that I will never understand. Not even if I live to be a thousand years old :/

Wed, 27 Dec 2006 03:44:12 GMT

Ah, Christmas. That magical time of year when all the houses are decorated with pretty colored lights, there's fresh snow on the ground, you have to bundle up in thick sweaters and jackets to go outside..... except wait! There's no snow on the ground and I haven't had to wear my winter jacket at all this winter (well, except for that one week in November). Where's the Christmas feeling I remember from when I was a kid? It's just not the same without six inches of snow outside and a blazing fire in the fireplace. Actually, when I think about it, it's not really the same anyway. I remember when I was little Christmas was such a big deal. The anticipation would start just after Thanksgiving and I'd be in a perpetual state of excitement right up through Christmas Day. These days, however, it seems like just another day. It's been quite a few years since my brother and I were up with the dawn rummaging in our stockings and counting the minutes til we could bring coffee and cinnamon rolls to our parents in bed. Of course, it's still my brother's and my Christmas ritual that we open our stockings together; it's corny, I know, but it's one of my favorite things about Christmas morning.

But the best thing about Christmas, hands down, is the presents. I always get such fantastic things, most of which I have no idea is coming. For example, I got a brand new digital camera this year, which I hadn't even asked for. I'd been thinking for a while about getting one, and I made a few throwaway comments to that effect a few weeks ago, and I guess my mum remembered. I was thrilled with that, as well as the book on the history of Paris that she got me and the book about the Doors that my dad got me. They say I'm difficult to shop for, but obviously they know me well enough that they always manage to get the perfect gifts. My brother got me a plaque that will look amazing on my wall; it goes so well with the motif I have in there. And of course, there's the various gift certificates that I always get from various relatives; mostly Amazon online ones, from grandparents and aunts and uncles, but also the Barnes & Noble one from dad, which as he says might normally be seen as a copout gift, but between us is exactly the opposite.

All in all, it was a pretty good Christmas this year. I was a little sad, as always, that we don't live near enough to our extended family that we can see them on Christmas, but we talked to most of them on the phone, so that was nice. Also I know that some of my friends are going through difficult times right now, so my thoughts were with them and hoping that their day was a little bit happier than the surrounding days.

Wow, once I get going in this thing I can really go on. I suppose that's good though; it's nice to have somewhere to put my thoughts other than the inside of my head. It can get crowded in there sometimes. I should try to write here more often; even if no one but me ever sees it, it feels good to write it. Of course, I never know how to end it without it sounding moronic, so I'll end it here. Until next time...

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 22:05:25 GMT

Well well, it's been over a year since I last wrote in this thing. What a surprise. I knew this was gonna happen, it's what always happens; it's something new to play around with for a while, then I get distracted by other things and before I know it I've neglected my journal for a whole year. On the bright side though, at least I have it so I can use it if I need to. And I think right now I need to.

Semester's almost over, which is nice. I've got one more class today, then a final on Tuesday afternoon and another on Thursday morning, then I'm done til the end of January. Winter break should be good; I'll probably be working a lot, which is good cause I get to spend time with my work friends (and the money doesn't hurt either ^_^). It'll be nice to sleep in, too; I've had precious few opportunities to do so this semester, what with school and work and everything. I don't think I applied myself as much as I could have as far as school goes, but it's all in the vault now, so there's no point stressing about it. I'll make a serious effort to try harder next semester to get on top of things before they overwhelm me. It's so easy to let things build up until I feel like I'm being crushed under the weight of it all. This semester actually has been a bit better as far as that goes; the medication I'm on has helped me deal with things a bit better, and I've been able to interact with people more successfully than I have in ages. I was never an outgoing person, but ever since pretty much the beginning of high school I was really introverted and felt really isolated. It's taken me until now (well, until 4 or 5 months ago, anyway) to work up the courage to say something to someone. But I'm so glad that I finally did; maybe now I can feel free to be the way I should have been all along.

But that's the mostly positive. On the negative side of things, I had a big argument with my dad again on Sunday. We always fight about the stupidest shit, and most of the time it's over really quickly and everything's fine. But sometimes he can say things that really hurt me. Of all the hundreds of fights we've had, there are two (this may become the third, I don't know yet) that I still remember even though they happened years ago. They are the only two that I can remember; all the rest were just fights that passed as quickly as they occurred. But these two I remember because he said some really nasty things to me. He can say cruel things when he's angry, and these particular instances really hurt me. I know he doesn't really mean them, but he means them in the moment when he says them. I don't quite know how to tell him any of this, though. I tried on Sunday to tell him how he was making me feel, but he didn't want to hear it. He said that he wasn't interested in talking about it anymore and then refused to say anything else for the rest of car ride (we were on our way to a Christmas party). Well, actually that's not quite true; he talked to my mom. That actually hurts too, cause I've talked to her about this before, so she knew that I was getting upset past the normal point by this, but she didn't say anything to him about it. She even asked me if I was ok, and I said no, but she still didn't do anything beyond give him a slightly disgusted look. So once we got to the party I proceeded to down a cup of wine and a beer (on a totally empty stomach) in an attempt to get my mind off it. Normally for me that amount of alcohol is nothing, but I hadn't eaten all day, so it made me slightly dizzy. Then, about half an hour after we got there, my dad started talking to me as if nothing had ever happened. That was the truly baffling part. Could he really not see that I had been more negatively affected than usual? I mean, normally that would be ok; it's our usual argument M.O., like I said -- we fight, we forget, and that's it. But this time I had tried to say something to him about how it was affecting me (albeit in a slightly roundabout way) and he wouldn't listen. The fact that he was later acting all buddy-buddy with me indicates that he either doesn't know or doesn't care how hurt he made me. And honestly, I'm not sure which is worse.

*Sigh* But I'm sure this will pass too. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my dad more than anything; we have a fantastic relationship. It's just every now and then he seems to forget how what he says can affect others. I wish I could muster up the courage to say something to him about it, but he obviously won't listen when we're in an actual fight, and I'm afraid that if I bring it up at another time it'll just make him angry and then we'll be back to him not listening. I guess for now the best thing to do is just write it down and hope that it's cathartic enough that next time I won't feel quite as bad. I suppose we'll just have to see.

Fri, 09 Dec 2005 21:45:48 GMT

It's currently snowing like a bastard outside. My damn sneakers got soaked walking to and from classes, and I don't have another pair of shoes with me. Sigh.

I've been working pretty hard on various papers and projects over the past couple of weeks. Technically I should probably be working on one right now, but I've neglected to write in this thing for ages, and I figured now was as good a time as any to finally update (not that anyone reads this shit, but w/e).

I hate how professors load us down with work in the last couple of weeks of term. Do they really think that students want to be doing this stuff now? It's almost vacation, dammit, stop giving us assignments!

My cell phone's been giving me gyp today too. It won't let me make outgoing calls; it redirects to some Verizon department for god only knows what reason. I'm quite annoyed by this.

But, enough complaining. Now for an amusing story.
Last weekend when my parents got back from running some errands, the following conversation took place:

Mum: Do you have a pair of gloves?
Me: ..... Yes.
Mum: *slightly deflated* Oh. Well do you know where they are?
Me: ........ Yes. In fact... (here I went into the other room to get my coat so I could have her see for herself)
Dad: See?? I told you!! *to me* She was convinced that you wouldn't know where they were, so she bought you a pair.
Me: Oh, well that was nice of you *takes gloves*
*Mum leaves the room, while Dad & I commiserate over the fact that my mother apparently thinks I'm still 6 years old)

5 minutes later

Mum: *coming back into the room* Well, they're gone.
Dad & Me: What are gone?
Mum: My gloves. I had several pairs and they've all gone missing.
Me: ..... o_O
Dad: *nearly collapses in a fit of laughter*

So yeah. Irony is a beautiful thing :)

My Birthday, Yay!

Thu, 13 Oct 2005 19:31:50 GMT

Yesterday was my birthday. It was a pretty good time; my parents and my brother came down to take me out to dinner, which was nice. We went to the Olive Garden because I LOVE their tiramisu. My presents were pretty good, too; a couple of DVDs, a sweater, a couple of gift certificates, and some cash. I should probably be getting some more gift certificates in the next few days, too, and maybe a couple more presents. (I love presents ^-^)

Aaaaanyway, it's been a while since I wrote in this thing; I've had a lot of schoolwork lately, what with various projects and tests and things. Hopefully after this week I'll have more time to update.

Formula One Karaoke

Thu, 29 Sep 2005 23:24:56 GMT

Stolen from a Kimi Raikkonen fan forum:

"F1 Drivers Karaoke (post #1)

A karaoke event has been arranged for the night of the Shanghai race in China. All 20 drivers have submitted their songs for the competition and the schedule is as follows:

Michael Schumacher singing Hey Now! Don't Dream It's Over by Crowded House

Rubens Barrichello singing Freedom by George Michael

Jenson Button singing I Would Do Anything For Love, But I Won't Do That by Meatloaf

Takuma Sato singing Danger Zone from the film Top Gun

Fernando Alonso singing Loveshack by the B-52's

Giancarlo Fisichella singing Better the Devil You Know by Kylie Minogue

David Coulthard singing I Had The Time of My Life, But I Never Felt This Way Before from the film Dirty Dancing

Christian Klien singing Bizarre Love Triangle by New Order

Kimi Raikkonen singing Everybody Hurts by REM

Juan-Pablo Montoya singing Wild Thing by Prozzak

Jacques Villeneuve singing Live Forever by Oasis

Felipe Massa singing Baby I'm Ready To Go by Republica

Mark Webber singing Help! by The Beatles

Nick Heidfeld singing Bitter Sweet Symphony by The Verve

Jarno Trulli singing Stuck In a Moment by U2

Ralf Schumacher singing Money Money Money by ABBA

Tiago Montiero singing I Am The Resurrection by The Stone Roses

Narain Karthikeyan singing I Wanna Be Adored by The Stone Roses

Christian Albers and Robert Doornbos dueting a rendetion of Another Brick In The Wall by Pink Floyd"

Alternate suggestions:

"Jense should sing 'Should I stay or should I go' by The Clash"

"Alonso must be singing like this "We are the champions"

"Jacques song sould be Old Memories.. cant remember who by. But its cos thats all he has that are good!"

"Kimi could sing Simply the best by Tina Turner because he is."

"Perfect song for JPM: Wild Thing."

Update:

"Takuma Sato is now going to be singing A Rush of Blood To The Head by Coldplay

James Allen is now also making an appearance singing Everything I Do - I Do It For You (Bryan Adams) towards Jenson

Apparently some drivers want to sing two songs and Webber is one of them. Ross Brawn is getting in on the act, singing I'm a Genie In a Bottle by Christina Aguilera. Both McLaren and Renault reckon this is a cry for help. Jean Todt singing Michael by Franz Ferdinand needs no explanation, whilst Flavio Briatore has finally decided to join in, singing I'm Too Sexy by Right Said Fred.

Rumours that Jenson Button is now singing Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies by Fleetwood Mac are unfounded."

Much much love for whoever thought this one up, it's just too funny. It would be so awesome if they really did sing karaoke, especially these songs, haha. :)

End of an era

Tue, 27 Sep 2005 17:31:47 GMT

And so it comes to pass that Der Regenmeister is toppled from his throne. This past Sunday, young Fernando Alonso earned his place in the record books, clinching the Drivers' Championship with two races left in the season. In three weeks time he will officially be the youngest champion in Formula One history. I'm very happy for Fred; it's a tremendous achievement at such a young age (he's only 24), but I was really hoping that this might be Kimi's year. Of course, there's no doubt that he will become champion eventually, but this season looked so promising, even after a couple of disastrous DNFs in the first few races. Hopefully McLaren can get their act together for next season and we will have a Finnish champion once again! :) (Also, Kimi? you might want to get that habit of power-chugging the champagne under control or else it might begin to affect your performance, kthx) But even so, there isn't much that can dampen my joy at seeing Ferrari come away with a distinct lack of championships this season (McLaren being poised to take the Constructors' Championship). I was getting heartily sick of seeing nothing but red every race, not to mention that ridiculous leap that Michael does every time he wins. (And before you start arguing with me, Jay, all I'm saying is that I'm glad the other teams are now competetive enough to challenge Ferrari's dominance. We don't need to get into all that yet again :)

In other news, we had a bit of excitement last week. One of the generators out behind the dorms caught fire and the power went out everywhere on campus. We were hoping they would send us all home for the weekend (this was on Thursday) but unfortunately they got the power back on about an hour later, so we were able to have class on Friday (booo).

Other than that, I don't really have anything to add. I'm trying to kill a bit of time before I have to start on my sociology presentation that's due Thursday. It's not a particularly difficult project, and hopefully won't take too long to do, but I'm just always compelled to procrastinate for as long as possible :)

Who was that masked man, anyway?

Thu, 22 Sep 2005 20:15:02 GMT

So last night was the season premiere of Lost. I will start by saying that, in typical Lost fashion, they answered one question and brought up 15 more. Ok, maybe 15 is an exaggeration, but even so, as usual they've created more than they've answered.

We ended last season with Walt being kidnapped by some mysterious men on a boat, and Locke, Jack, and Kate using dynamite to blow the lid off of the hatch. Hurley, of course, attempted to stop Locke because of the mysterious numbers on the side of the hatch, but unfortunately he was too late and the hatch was opened.

The new episode begins with a montage scene of a man waking up, eating breakfast, playing around with his computer, etc. All typical things that most of us do on a day to day basis, right? Well, even from the beginning this one is a little strange, mostly because they never show his face. All we can tell about him is that he is of medium build, in fairly good shape, and has dark brown hair. The haircut is all wrong for any of the castaways, except maybe Sawyer--though that idea is axed at the end of the scene when there is an explosion somewhere down the hallway from where he's sitting. It's quite obvious at this point that he is in fact under the hatch.

Meanwhile, Jack and Locke are arguing over what to do next. Locke is all gung-ho to get down the hatch and see what's down there. Jack advocates caution and suggests they return to the caves for the night and figure out what to do in the morning. Kate, who has been examining the metal lid that's just been blown off, calls them over to look at something. Written on the lid, in big bold letters, is the word QUARANTINE. Locke grumpily acquiesces to Jack's plan, and off they go.

Back at the caves, Shannon is trying to find Vincent the dog, who Walt left behind when he set off on the raft with his dad. She asks several people if they've seen him; they haven't, so she stalks off into the jungle to find him. Sayid runs after her with a torch, presumably to prevent her from getting lost or killed. They come across Vincent sitting on a small hill not far from camp. They attempt to catch him, but he just runs off. Sayid gives chase, and Shannon tries to follow but trips on something and is left behind. She looks around and calls to Sayid, but he's too far away to hear her. All of a sudden, she turns around and sees Walt standing about 6 feet away, soaking wet and staring straight at her. He seems to be trying to say something, but all we can hear is whispering. Apparently this is all Shannon can hear too; and when Sayid turns up a minute later, Walt is gone.

Jack, Locke, Kate, and Hurley return to camp. Locke decides that he isn't going to wait until morning and goes back to the hatch armed with cable, determined to get down to the bottom. Kate tells Jack she's going to follow Locke in case he falls or something happens to him. When she arrives at the hatch, she finds Locke still at the top. She says she figured he would be at the bottom by now. He says "I was waiting for you." They decide that since Kate is lighter, it would be easier for him to belay her down first. She starts down slowly; all of a sudden there is a bright light that shines up through the top of the hatch. The cable starts flying through Locke's hands, and he finally stops it just before he himself is pulled in. The light shuts off and the cable goes slack. Locke pulls it up but Kate is gone.

Seeded through all this are flashbacks to when Jack was working at the hospital, around the time that he met his future wife (who had been in a car crash). He promised he'd fix her (her back was broken), but after the operation he felt that he'd failed. He went for a run at the stadium, going up and down each set of stairs between sections. Unfortunately, he fell and hurt his ankle. There was another man running there too, and he came over to check on Jack. They got to talking, and the guy (who randomly appears to be Scottish) introduced himself as Desmond.

Back on the island, Jack goes after Locke and Kate, probably because he doesn't trust Locke with his girl. When he gets there they're both gone. So Jack wraps a couple of pieces of cloth around his hands and slides down the cable. At the bottom he follows a corridor into the room that we saw at the beginning. He turns around to see Locke standing a little way down the corridor behind him. He demands to know where Kate is, but all Locke will say is that she's fine. All of a sudden there is a gun pointed at Locke's head, and a man's voice tells Jack to drop his gun (which he brought in case of trouble). The man moves around to stand behind Locke and we catch a glimpse of his face. Amazingly enough (although I must admit I had suspected this) it turns out to be Desmond, the guy Jack ran into at the stadium. And then the scene goes black.

So, all in all, quite a good episode, I thought. (Yes, I know this recap went on far too long, but hey, there were important points that had to be included.) Next week hopefully we'll find out more about the mysterious Desmond and how he comes to be on the island. Also, maybe we'll find out about the fate of the people on the raft, since they were conspicuously absent this week.

But, that's all for now, since the power's out and I should probably shut down my laptop :) Ciao everyone.

Wed, 21 Sep 2005 16:07:34 GMT

So yesterday wasn't too bad of a day. I had a Spanish test at 11, which I'm pretty sure I aced, and then I had to write a three page paper for my Women's Studies class. Writing papers totally sucks, but at least it was a short one. It only took about 3 hours (haha) because I kept stopping to do other things. I took a break at about 6:30 to go to dinner with my roommate and a couple of her friends from across the hall, and then I managed to finish my paper just after Gilmore Girls started.

In other news, Nip/Tuck completely owns my soul. I'm so addicted to that show it isn't even funny. The season premiere last night kicked so much ass (and it's a damn good job, too, considering how long it's been since last season ended). I'm really glad that Christian wasn't more badly hurt; for all he's a total bastard sometimes, I really do like him. It was nice to see him display a little bit of compassion for once. This season looks like it's gonna be just as good as the others.

And of course, tonight is the season premiere of Lost, and the season premire of CSI is tomorrow night. I'm really excited about the first episode of Lost, because they've promised to actually answer some questions for once.

Thus concludes another episode in the routine tedium that is my daily life :). Actually I'm mostly joking about that. It's still early; I'll have more exciting things to write about soon enough, I've no doubt. But for now, this is The End.

Mon, 19 Sep 2005 16:14:14 GMT

So after a considerable amount of, well, consideration, I finally decided to sign up for a journal. I doubt that too many people will be too interested in what I write here, being as my life is pretty boring, but maybe having a place to write stuff will be enough to encourage me to become more interesting, haha.

But yeah, so the question thus becomes what shall I write in this bemusingly mediocre first post? I think I've pretty much tapped the wellspring for today (which does NOT bode well for the future of this journal, I must say. Heh). Perhaps I'll be able to come up with something later on, after class or whatever. We'll just have to see, I guess. :)